Every once in a while The Coggin Toboggan will have an opportunity to see an article from a prominent Philadelphia journalist before it is published. This is one of those times.

A source has emailed us a column written by Marcus Hayes that will appear in a Daily News in the upcoming future. Please enjoy. 

Hogwart’s Most Famous Duo Outperforming Sixers’

THE QUESTION is answered before it’s fully asked.

“Large butterbeer, two shots of butterscotch.”

Hermoine Granger can order Ron Weasley’s favorite drink at the Three Broomsticks as easily as she can name the crucial components of a perfect polyjuice potion.

“Bingo!” Weasley said.

Sometimes you wonder if Jahlil Okafor could even order Nerlens Noel a Pureblood Punch.

The story is enticingly opposite. A mudblood and a redhead, brought together by their friendship with Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, defied all odds to learn to work as a team to defeat “He Who Shall Not be Named.”

Voldemort, in case you didn’t know.

The other pair, with all the talent in the world, can’t even elevate the worst basketball team in the country to 10 wins, let alone master an effective Avada Kedavra curse.

Maybe Okafor and Noel can learn something from Granger and Weasley.

“Not really sure why you’re writing this. Ron and Hermoine are fictional characters I created in my Harry Potter series. The two you are comparing them with are real human beings and tremendous athletes. Doesn’t really make a whole lot of sense. Seems like you’re just shoe horning a lot of insults about them into a completely different article,” said JK Rowlings, author of the series.

“How did you get my contact information, by the way? And why are you so sweaty…you’re one of the most moist human beings I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

Granger and Weasley, along with their friend Harry Potter, faced down thousands of Death Eaters when things looked grim. They could have met their maker.

But hold your hippogriffs, they saved the world from an oppressive wizarding regime that could have seen the end of days.

Noel and Okafor can’t even cover a simple pick and roll.

In Sixers speak: the process continues.

It’s at this point that I’d like to remind you that I am indeed a grown man.

Did you know Granger and Weasley eventually became lovers, marrying each other and producing several wizarding children? That’s what I call good teamwork.

I’ve never even seen Noel and Okafor kiss each other on the mouth, let alone make love.

Advantage Granger and Weasley.

“No, really, why are you writing about this? It’s so stupid. You obviously just have a grudge against these two athletes. Please don’t include me or my characters in this drivel, or you will be hearing from my lawyers,” Rowling said.

Sometimes you have to wonder if Okafor even knows if Noel can even ride a broomstick?